A Journey Through Cultural Intelligence

There’s an internal dialogue that plays in the mind of every migrant—a quiet yet persistent and somehow annoying conversation about belonging. It begins the moment we step into unfamiliar territory, just like a wolf stepping into new territory, even if its very existence may depend on it. New land, where the world expects us to adapt easily, to blend in without hesitation.  The same world that names us “too bold” or “overconfident”, whenever we blend without hesitation.

Do yourself a favor and be yourself at all times. 

Fitting in isn’t just about mastering a new language or navigating cultural nuances. It’s about learning the unspoken rules, the subtle shifts in tone, the gestures that make someone feel “local.” 

It took me years to learn that the way you say “jongenje,” which means little boy, makes it loving or disrespectful.  When our neighbour, a man who considers that the Netherlands is getting more and more changed by the presence of migrants, and everyone “should go back where they belong”, to quote him, used that word to address my husband, it clicked. There are many things to learn, and we may never fully understand all the subtle aspects. Just as our children will never know what we know from Romania. They simply need to live there to know some things.

And that’s ok if we allow it to be. The struggle starts when we try to impose on ourselves and others to be like “it should be”. Who established a universal way of how it should be? 

Fitting in it’s about taming emotions that come up in moments of isolation, bottling them down to maintain the image of strength. Because vulnerability doesn’t fit into the narrative of survival.  And trust me, all migrants are in survival mode for at least the first 3 years after relocation. Don’t let our smile fool you.

When we move, we consider many things, but no one teaches us, in general, in life, what to do with our emotions. We don’t even know there are emotions we have never explored before. And we didn’t have to, because we were home and safe, with no need to explore this unknown.

Once we start walking into an unknown territory, our nervous system goes into survival mode. 

There is no space to live, enjoy life, or be happy. We start telling ourselves stories about how we don’t belong, and we start believing it, too. In some way, it is true, we don’t belong at the beginning. But the story we tell ourselves makes it hard to ever belong. Don’t you agree?

Migration psychology reveals a common thread—many migrants toughen up not because they want to, but because they feel they must. The pressure to integrate and blend in is heavy, and society often measures success by how well someone appears to belong. 

But cultural intelligence offers a different perspective: True belonging isn’t about losing oneself to fit in—it’s about integrating the experiences, perspectives, and identities that shape who we are.

Let’s unfold this statement. 

What is true belonging? According to the Cambridge Dictionary, belonging is “a feeling of being happy or comfortable as part of a particular group and having a good relationship with the other members of the group because they welcome you and accept you.”

What do you see in this definition? It takes two sides of a relationship for someone to belong in a place or group. Am I right?

Then the question is: Why are we expected to integrate and blend in by ourselves? What happens when the world we try to fit in does not accept us? Hence, the neighbours I mentioned before. What do you do then? When no matter how hard you try, you are still an outsider?

What it helps to do then is let go of the expectation from yourself to blend in. Don’t blend in, stand out as colorful as you are, loud, bold, and confident. And take with you your kindness, your culture, and your beautiful heart. And be who you are in an already multifaceted society. It is okay, there is plenty of space for you too. Take your space and own it.

And yes, the experience and the process of integration will change you! Your identity will shape differently than it would if you had not moved. But… You get to decide on how you change and which shape your identity takes. It is in your hands, and you have control.

If you’ve ever felt torn between two worlds, rehearsing words in your head before speaking, carefully curating your presence in a room, know that your journey is valid. Your adaptability is a strength, your resilience is a story worth telling. Migration isn’t about erasing identity, but about expanding it.  

Imagine: How would our world look like if we create spaces where migrants don’t need to just survive, but they have mental and emotional space to create a life that makes them thrive. Imagine how our workplaces, churches, communities, cities, and countries would be if not a single person had to become someone else, but they would feel free to embrace everything they are.

This world is possible, and it starts with each of us. When you show up as yourself, I will show up as myself, because we give each other space to live in our strengths.